It's Okay to Lose Yourself

I’m Maseh Hadaf, and this is DeepTox. Thank you for being here with me.

Barriers and thoughts. Entrenched self-concept. Fear of changing. We say that we should never have to change for someone. Don’t lose yourself, who’s your self? Habits and routines. Ways of being change radically. Orienting yourself. 

Transitions Magnify Fear

“For certain, you have to be lost to find a place that can’t be found, elseways everyone would know where it was” – Captain Barbarossa, Pirates of the Caribbean, At World’s End

Transitions shock your normal patterns.

This magnifies incongruencies of our self-concept with how we are newly perceived, our new actions, our new habits, our new thoughts, during times of great change. We try to retreat into what once was, recreate it, or run away.


Carlos Castenada, The Teachings of Don Juan.

4 natural enemies every person encounters towards becoming a person of knowledge, when they are truly learning:


  • Learning is never what one expects, never what one pictures, fear sets in, and it multiplies.
  • Like a shadow, waiting, in horrid shapes.
  • When facing fear I ask myself, consciously. Am I unable to handle this? Why?
  • Defy fear and keep moving forward. Speaking with Jose, making space for fear, loving fear itself. Shadow retreats. Person feels confident, fear subsides, intent becomes clear


  • Dispels fear, also blinds.
  • Feels like they can do anything, because they can see clearly, and they have confidence. But this is a mistake. It can keep them from the darkness of fear, and they might have this sense of clarity, but they will no longer learn
  • Defy clarity, use it only to see, accept that this clarity is a mistake. That this clarity of everything was merely a point in front of their eyes. This is unbelievably difficult to do.


  • Strongest of all enemies. Rule-maker, well-respected, calculated decisions and risks.
  • Hard to notice the enemy creeping up, lose the battle without even knowing. They never learn how to truly use their power.
  • Defy power deliberately. Accept that it was never yours to begin with. Clarity and power without control of the self is worse than making any other mistakes.

Old Age

  • Desire to rest. Can’t completely defeat, only fight away
  • Overcoming darkness of fear, impatient clarity, power, would all mean nothing on the path to knowledge if he were to resort to retreating from old age.
  • You can taste being a person of knowledge, if only for a moment. That’s enough.

Fluidity of the Self

Recreating yourself constantly. Abandoning a static identity, recognizing the dynamic fluidity of your being. Is there anything that is truly constant, perhaps whatever that is is beyond the brittle superficial parts of our being we cling so hard to, even our personality. It shows you the tremendous freedom to choose what you gravitate towards. Example of myself in my room, or overlooking a cliff.


“…Yet you are a serious person, but your seriousness is attached to what you do, not to what goes on outside you. You dwell upon yourself too much. That’s the trouble. And that produces a terrible fatigue.”

“But what else can anyone do, don Juan?”

“Seek and see the marvels all around you. You will get tired of looking at yourself alone, and that fatigue will make you deaf and blind to everything else.” -Carlos Castenada